iSaiD,sheSaiD

these past few months, ive been fighting with my mum over an unnecessary human.

it hurts not only me, but my mum too.

that day, she said what she said for the past few months was just wanted me to be good friend with that person. She said i don't understand.

Then i said she don't understand. I don't wanna be good friends with this person and i hated it all.

In the end, i think we both didnt understand.

she wanted it her way for my benefits,
i wanted it my way for my own feelings.

so i think i was at fault more it seems.

i dont really know what i did already.

but i do know ive hurt my mum very deep when i thought she hurt me really deep.

i guess it was me.

i always knew i am immarute,
but i never wanted to change.

i kept things going the way i felt like to according to my mood.

so i'd hurt lots of people around me.

and the one who i dont want to hurt the most, My Mom.

just now we had a talk together.

i dont think it can really said to b a talk,
cause practically, i was the only one doing the talking and yelling.

she asked me to say out want i think,
so i did.

i said im tired of fighting with my mum.
i said for the past 17 years in my life i did not fight with my mum like what i did this year.
i said i hate it.
i said i felt i was like a cheap goods or something to b sold off by my own mum.
i said i hate him even more every single seconds we fight.
i said i hate fighting with my mum.
i said i dont want to have anything to do with him not to mention good friends.
i said i know im immarute n i dont want to change.
i said i just want my mum.

i said so much just now.
my mum said non.

she kept quiet sitting there listening thn hugging me.

i know deep within myself,
even though she said nothing,
she was hurt deep down there.

but i didnt stop saying:
"i hate him so much."
"i just want my mum."

like a spoilt brat.


then i stopped crying,
she wiped my tears away and said: "ur mum loves you very much."

she said she didnt meant to.
she said she will b letting it go.
she said she wont interfere her children's decision anymore.
she said she will learn letting us go...

i knew she is very hurt.
hurt so deep n i know till that i cant breath.

i was the one hurting her..so deep..so deep..

i dont know what to say when i hear her say :"im letting u all go.."
with her face like that.

i know im the worst child ever.

i dont want her to let go.
i just want everything to be the same like b4..
like b4 i stepped into cosplay world, a world filled with rubbish-lifeless place.

but i know thrs no turning back..because i was the one who made it happen.

i dint want to grow up.
i want to b my mum's little girl longer.

and that's SO WRONG!

i will grow up.
i will grow and b a person that my mum will b proud of.

i want to grow up.

i love u, mum.

im sorry for hurting u.

but i will grow now and learn my mistakes.

i promise.